New Kind of College Rankings: GQ’s 25 Douchiest Colleges
Tuesday, September 15th, 2009 
Apparently, the folks at GQ aren’t content with snazzy celebrity interviews and fashion tips for men. They also want to join the college rankings game. For a twist, they’ve compiled a list of the top 25 Douchiest Colleges. I don’t know about you, but I think the list itself is a bit of an act of douchiness. Or douchiplicty, if you will. Anyway, here are our liner notes on when GQ got it right, and when they were just being doucherrific.
21. Trinity-The “I brained someone at Exeter with a 9-Iron but My Dad Got Me in Here” Douche
Ok, this one hits the nail on the head. It’s a place for well educated kids with pretty abysmal grades but some athletic skills or family connections. And while this might not sound like the most intellectual bunch, the school still gets a good rep by virtue of being monied and in the northeast. Much like its student body.
18. Boston University-The Future Marketing Execs Douche
BU is mega-expensive, but the school itself does have some good programs. YES it has a proportion of overzealous communication majors, but it also has a great musical theater department, education program, and psych department. So you can tap-dance to Freudian subliminal messages in advertising! Tah Dah!
17. University of Chicago-The Paul Wolfowitz Douche
Students who go here tend to be scary smart, emphasis on the scary.
14. Arizona State University-The “Show Us Your Tits!” Douche
Hey, it’s in a desert. They’re probably just trying to keep themselves cool.
11. New York University-The “Yeah, I Did That When I Was 17″ Douche
Also known as the “I’m working on my documentary and shopping for vintage t-shirts that cost $50 douche.”
7. Amherst College-The “I Went to a Small liberal-arts College in Massachusetts” Douche
Hey, don’t just single people in Massachusetts out as douches (I believe the technical term is called “Masshole”). If you want to lord your “personalized, small-class, teacher involvement” education over other people while you play field hockey, why not check out New York, Connecticut, Vermont, and Maine. Skidmore, Wesleyan, Middlebury, Bowdoin, Colby, and Bates are all EQUALLY douchey.
6. Bob Jones University-The “not even College Republicans at Other Schools will Talk to You” Douche
I can’t even argue with this one.
5. Deep Springs-The “I Went to a School So Exclusive, Only Six People Know About It and Half of Them Are So Smart They’re Clinically Insane” Douche
What IS Deep Springs? I actually HAVEN’T heard of it. In fact, this school is so hush hush we barley even have any data on it.
According to Wikipedia: “Deep Springs is in Deep Springs Valley in Inyo County, California near the larger Owens Valley and about 25 miles over mountain passes from the nearest town, Dyer, Nevada, and 45 miles from the nearest town of significant size, Bishop, California. Deep Springs is one of a few remaining all-men’s liberal arts colleges in the United States.” It admits roughly 10-15 students from an applicant pool of 100-200, giving it an acceptance rate of between 5-15%. Most students leave after 2 years, and go on to finish their college degree at Harvard, Yale, or U Chicago (remember what I said about those guys being scary-smart?) Almost half of their undergraduate body goes on to get a doctoral degree.
I’m fairly certain they spike the water (do they have water in the desert?) with some smarty-pills.
4. Harvard-The Harvard Douche
Too easy.
1. Brown University-The “Peace Sign on My Mom’s 7 Series” Douche
As far as limousine liberal schools go, Brown is probably the LEAST offensive. If you really want to run into students wearing $100 yoga pants, drinking fair trade coffee, and complaining about hegemonic power while preparing to become a part of it, head to Hampshire, Sarah Lawrence, Bard, or Wesleyan. Better yet, just head to Williamsburg, Brooklyn.
