This week on Gossip Girl: Jenny’s fashionable battle for independence rages on, Serena’s dating standards plummet to shocking lows and Blair unwraps the 18th birthday present of a lifetime!

Hmmphh, there must be something tainting the Upper East Side VitaminWater because Gossip Girl has really been throwing me off lately. First things first, Serena is the hottest and most dazzling chick in the eastern seaboard and WHY, I ask you, WHY is she getting mixed up with Grunge-Bob Biker-Pants, Aaron???

He’s a poetic tool who references Cecil the Caterpillar nursery rhymes and texts freakishly coordinated “maps” for Serena to follow and come “find him”. Yet, despite his greasy bangs and foolish clothes that make him look homeless, Serena continues to go running off whenever his psycho scavenger hunt texts come beeping in.

I think Blair better knock some sense into her bff before she starts trading in her parfum for Patchouli oils and Blahniks for Birkenstocks.

In less disappointing news, B. Waldorf turns the big 1-8. Amid her lavish “grown-up” party that’s crashed by none other than Cyndi Lauper herself, B sets her Harry Winston choker hopes aside and accepts a birthday gift of…

wait for it…

a shiny, new…. conscious!!!

Ooh Blair, bravo! I commend the CW for your compassionate character development in just one short episode. Your new found maturity is no doubt a flattering look for you. You’ve graciously conceded to your mother dating a troll and even acknowledged a ripple of happiness for her under your icy, ivory shell.

Again this week the curtain closes on Jenny Humphrey in caked-on eyeliner pondering another dramatic dilemma….

Will she divorce herself from mommy and daddy to win control of her new fashion line?

Wait, isn’t J. Humphrey Designs extinct since Angry Agnes torched it?

Does she still have the coffee filter hat?!!!

Ughh, and where the “h” is Nate and his skinny tie!!????

Dispense your whispers here and check back next week for another recap.

Stay fierce…

Xo xo,

Gossip Girl

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