Don’t try this at home – We’re Brofessionals
Mission #1 – Popcorn Peril
It started with the little things – using someone’s face as a canvas, shaving an eyebrow or two and maybe even putting hot sauce in a buddy’s cough syrup. You see, we were bros; and it was our right as bros to mess with each other by any and all means. But nothing could have prepared us for the tomfoolery and shenanigans that ensued as our epic prank war raged on.
It all began one wintery morning, after a long night of pounding beers, ripping shots and taking names, (and numbers). I was trying to treat my hangover with a nice, steamy shower and left myself plenty of time before my history class. Just as my headache was clearing up, I shut off the water and dried off. When I went to unlock the stall, I looked up and was flabbergasted as a bucket full of milk was cascading towards my clean, dry body. As soon as the ice-cold milk stopped trickling onto my head, I heard my buddies go into uncontrolled and hysterical fits of laughter.
And therein was born Operation: Dorm Storm — an all-out effort to piss each other off. These are the true (and somewhat disturbing) tales…
After the dairy dilemma, I figured I should let things calm down for a few days as I hatched my plan. Things came together fairly quickly though – and soon enough, my roommate and I were ready for revenge. We began by purchasing our supplies – in this case, 100 bags of microwaveable popcorn. Once we scored the corn, we popped up 10 trash bags full of buttery, oily and crunchy popcorn. And don’t splurge your beer money on the good stuff either – not worth it for Pop-Secret or Orville Redenbacher.
Our targets, we’ll call them Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber, luckily had a film screening and discussion class that night. With three full hours to put our plan into action, it was time to teach these clowns never to pour milk on a lactose intolerant person ever again.
As the elevator doors closed behind our buddies, we sprang into action. Luckily, we were delinquents and therefore knew how to jimmy a locked door with those book thingies the professors always tell you to read. After trying books of varying genres and thickness, it was my old pal, “Sociology” that successfully unlocked the door.
Once all of the popcorn was shuttled over to the enemy’s room – popcorn peril was underway. Now, here’s where the prank gets technical. We decided to go with a double dose of corn cramming in order to maximize the irritation and annoyance. First, let’s talk about the “Overt Corn Cram”.
To create this effect, simply dump the contents of two bags in the middle of the floor, making a mini-popcorn Everest. This not only immediately irritates your victim, but also lulls him into the false sense of security that the worst is over. They clean up the pile, throw it away and continue on with their business – this is where the “Covert Corn Cram” is imperative.
At this point, strategy and execution are absolutely critical. Begin by removing the contents of the dresser and replacing it with popcorn. Repeat the aforementioned step with the contents of the desk drawers, cabinets and cupboards – be sure to cover your tracks and not leave popcorn stragglers lying around, your cover will be blown. Then, as some have said, we took it a little too far. We emptied the refrigerator and filled it with popcorn and even utilized the freezer, creating a giant brick of salty goodness.
As we made our escape, we took one last moment to admire our handy work – it was awesome. And then, we waited.
When they finally got home and the door opened, we heard them scream some swear words and angrily slam the door. My roommate and I walked over and acted totally surprised, laughing at the sheer ridiculousness of the sight before us. Just as we had planned, the two attacked the pile in the middle of the floor and, of course, had it cleaned up in no time. And then things got outrageous.
Tweedledumb walked over to his dresser, ready to change. I truly wish you could have seen the anger in his eyes as he pulled the drawer open. At the same moment this was happening, Tweedledumber walked over to the cabinet to grab a glass. Of course, when he swung the door open, popcorn tumbled all over the place again. As the popcorn was slowly revealed all over the room, they instantly became enraged – just as we had planned. It took them a couple of hours to chip all of the frozen corn away and drag bag after bag to the dumpster.
After the ordeal was over, they were exhausted and, needless to say, pretty upset. When they finally got into bed, they pulled the covers around them and turned over. As their heads hit the pillows, they were greeted by a loud and unfriendly, “CRUNCH!” That’s right, we hit the pillows too.
As we were leaving, the angry and tired roommates asked me to flip on the ceiling fan to clear the air of the movie-theater smell. As soon as the switched moved to “on” – mass amounts of popcorn began raining down on us – re-distributing the kernels all throughout the room. And although I really wanted to stay and take in the scene, the milk from two days ago was still getting the better of me… ohhh college!
